Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need advice…. Never mind, I already did the stupid thing.

   Playing "Real Boxing" on my IPad makes me feel like much more of a badass than I actually am.

   If you see a rabbit laying little brown eggs, don’t eat them… it’s not chocolate! 🐰🐣🐇

   I will never drive a Jeep because you have to wave at other Jeep owners and I don't need that kind of pressure in my life.

   What's the difference between most hispanics at the border and stoners? Storners have papers.....

   Everyone is going on about the pink moon. Somehow, they must've found out that my girlfriend bleached her butthoIe.

   Woke up today feeling gay! That was close

   Stop bringing crappy Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came out into the woods to hear Katy Perry.

   Transitions Adaptive Lenses: “Experience life well lit.” Me: Oh, I will.

   I live at work and visit the house sometimes.

   Driver: My pronoun is they. Police: Then here’s another ticket.

   I identify as a Non-Bidenary. My pronouns are FJB/lets go Brandon.

   Right or wrong, make a choice. Life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t decide.

   When she’s looking for a quick fling and you have a trebuchet in your back yard.

   Describe your boobs using only a picture of them.

   Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, read the 4th line, what does it say?

   1543 - The third booster leech isn’t working, better give him a fourth leech!

   You know how old I am? When I was in high school if someone had their underwear sticking up out of their pants we would have given him a snuggie.

   Divorce Log - 2007 I got out of the shower. My wife walked in and I said, "Excuse me, I'm not dressed." She goes, "No kidding. I didn't think you were carrying a wrinkly purse."

   If a Plant is sad, do other plants Photosympathize with it?