Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can you even imagine how long the Carfax report is on the Batmobile

   The work day would be so much more fun if it were Casualty Friday

   This pen I stole from the bank is off the chain

   Homeland is a really good series if you’ve been having trouble sleeping.

   I don't get why girls get mad when men only want them for their bodies. Their brains are just filled with tons of knowledge about shoes.

   I’m sorry I didn’t listen to your voicemail I was too busy walking my dinosaur.

   Facebook relationships are like flowers. They die in a day or two.

   I called a friend of mine today. Her boyfriend picked up and said "she's not into you" the hanged up. Strong and healthy relationship that.

   When I was a kid,,, we had to post updates through two cups and a string.

   I got fired from work for continually putting my fingers into the pickle slicer , but to be fair, they fired her too!

   Huh,,, It's pretty cool how willy wonka got away with murdering all those bratty kids that went on a tour of his candy factory... Hmmm

   Listen,,, any sport is dodgeball if you aren't very good.

   According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.

   Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

   I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille.

   Just gave myself an enema filled with warm water and glitter, and I ended up craping out a Ke$ha cd.

   Rainy day entertainment idea: Take the kids to Cabela's,, or as I call it, "The Really Still Zoo."

   To the old age you've learnt anything through knowledge and experience; the problem is you remember none of them.

   My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness

   A hoes favorite line is, 'Don't judge me, you don't know what I been thru'.....Yeah I do, a lot of d*ck.