Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.

   Choose your ex wisely, they’ll be there for the rest of your life.

   Honey, I let myself go and gained all this weight to prevent other men from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

   My birthday is coming up and I'm mostly just anxious about all the people on facebook who are about to pretend to like me.

   I'm married and have two girls. I've been without power for 10 years.

   You can't fix stupid but you can avoid dating it.

   Doggy Style. Because it gives me perfect platform to keep my laptop and finish my work.

   There are only two types of women in this world: 1) Those who love sex just as much as men do. 2) Liars.

   Maybe if the crowed showed a bit of appreciation and stopped t-rollin contributors maybe there would be more funny material for you to copy and paste to your FB.

   Do you know why you’re pressing unlike button that many every day; because, most of time, people are talking and thinking of their own interests.

   A psychology study suggests that when you are single, all you see are happy couples, When you are committed, you see happy singles.

   If I pass you my phone to see a photo and you scroll through my other pics, they'll never find your body.

   do the indianapolis colts play at home this week? anybody?

   walk into a crowded room release a silent fart ten immediately say "Do you smell Popcorn?"........sit back and watch the laughs

   Wat does this mean? "When I see an ugly obese woman pushing a cart full of kids in a store, I immediately think "Who keeps fuck!ng you?" Mild obesity is not hereditary like ugliness.

   Hell has no fury like an ugly woman when she gets power.

   I find it ironic that Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to alter the Constitution to enable him to run for President...an office in which the very oath thereof states "...PRESERVE, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."

   Why won't anyone in my trailer watch ET with me????

   You're aying, "There’s a monkey that’s an astronaut but you’re just some guy writing jokes for strangers on the Internet." َ A loyal stranger is better than a greedy and two faced friend.

   Life didn't hand me lemons. I picked them myself.