Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mac & Cheese doesn't contain many vitamins, so it's important you always eat a bunch of it.

   I just heard that my ex-wife has started dating again,,, and here I am with no popcorn.

   In South Africa we have a president named Jacob Zuma, do you know him?

   Michael Jackson has been dead a long time but moonwalking still makes people uncomfortable at children's parties.

   She asked me to kiss her like it was the first time either of us had ever kissed so I headbutted her, bit her lip twice and came in my pants

   Her: Do you think I'm pretty? Me: Honey, I lick you where babies come out...thats how much pretty I think you are.

   Rumors: Well at least you're spreading something else besides your legs.

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.

   Be the change you wish the homeless people didn't know you had

   Whenever someone says "This day couldn't get any worse" I set them on fire & ask "Are you sure?"

   I have never met a US Congressman I didn't find completely honest and extremely intelligent. However I may need to add I have never met a US Congressman.

   I don't simply have problems like people often talk about. I just date or marry them.

   Take advantage of being a woman by bursting into tears during any sort of intense negotiations.

   Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don't know. Inspirational statuses are hard

   Xmas Shopping List: iPad Air ✓ MacPro ✓ PS4✓ Broke✓

   Just imgine if we've all met somewhere as a reunion of years together providing funny.... thanks for the fun times guys and gals!!

   Skinny jeans should not have pockets.

   Do you want to be right or happy?

   Hearing “I miss you” from the right person is a great feeling.

   People who have more than 10 items in the express line… Well Fu#k you to