Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.

   Canada: "hey America, catch!"... *throws Justin Bieber at US*..."No give backs"... *Canada runs away giggling*

   It:always Halloween at your house with all those skeletons in your closet.

   I'm sorry Charlie Brown, but your mother is dead.... Turns out, she had a trombone lodged in her throat and eventually just suffocated to death

   I am unable to quit as I am currently too legit.

   It has been 24hours since I downloaded BBM on my android phone and still not a single woman has hit on me yet. I thought BBM is where all the sluts are at.

   How many of you have gotten into some serious trouble with your partner because of a comment made by some wayward fool on your FB status or wall?

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they said *how* the person died.

   You sir,,, Are a "lactose intolerant person with bee allergies".. In my, "Land of Milk & Honey"..

   Please don't leave the light on for me, Motel 6.... I don't want anyone to see me here.

   Thank you for the $50 gift card to Whole Foods. I will cherish this organic apple.

   Obamacare: Just another government handout; this time forcing the funding by tax payers through the threat of penalties for non-compliance.

   Kenny Rogers said "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run"... I'm pretty sure he was talking about women, not cards.

   I like walking in wally world an catching someone staring at me..I turn real quick and stare right back at them with my big eyes and when they look away I yell (I WIN) and high Five myself!!!!

   You know you're reached old age when you go to walmart for fiber supplements only to realize you had your blinker on the whole time...

   Obama needs my dope mans friend, brothers little cousin help to fix his Obamacare site, he's pretty f__king good, if you get him high...

   I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I'm watching.

   Anything that says, don't take with alcohol, I'm probably gonna take it with alcohol. That's how you make medicine fun, kids.

   Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

   I don't want to set the world on fire........just you.