Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every room is a waiting room without you.

   Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn't even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''Okay''?

   The best thing about being empty inside is that there's more room for Taco Bell.

   All we want is a cheaper government. We elect governments so they can take good care of us and not the other way around.

   It always seems like a good idea, but invariably somebody is disappointed in a threesome.

   Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he's making noises with his gum

   GAYS: if you drive a Fiat, you don't need a rainbow sticker. We already know.

   Hey black guys with the long, braided hair; you look ridiculous, please don't kill me...

   There's a kid in my son's class who has epilepsy and loves pizza, so we call him "Little Seizure," and, well, we're going to Hell.

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''OK''?

   Life isn't like a box of chocolate. It's more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow..

   Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends' profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I'm jelly" "sexy much?!"

   Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long for fat people.

   Dear teachers, we appreciate all you do but for 12 years of public schooling, all I heard was about how low teacher pay was. Maybe you weren't paying attention...

   Fat Girls are good for two things. Heat in the cold and shade in the heat

   I always assume girls who wear ponytails love sucking d*ck. (I assume the same about guys with ponytails as well)

   I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.

   Your girlfriend could be in the jaws of a shark and just because she's mad at you she'll say "I'm fine"

   Why do all the women who intrigue me always live too far away and with their boyfriends and husbands?