Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...

   A costume and matching shoes later, my child owes me about $50 worth of candy..

   Ok word of advice ladies. a muffin top might be kinda cute but if you have a 3 tier cake top please don't go out side. you scare people. just sayin.

   I never know how much Cream of Wheat to make for the trick or treaters.

   One more reason that beer is good for you is that it's easier for your body to process than most other beverages. This is because it doesn't have to stop to change color.

   Breaking news: Barack Obama Unaware He Was Elected President. “I never knew & nobody told me” said Obama.......

   So former NFL quarterback Brett Favre admitted this week that he suffers from memory loss. This might explain why he may have sent pictures and lewd texts to reporter Jen Sterger when he played for the Jets, he forgot he was married!

   A boy was being mean to my 6 year old daughter yesterday, so she punched him in the eye... Was ice cream the correct punishment?

   I'm glad cheese doesn't know what's about to happen to it when I show up.

   BTW: Is someone writing these down?... (my grandmother, after reading my status updates)

   TV show idea! We just air a live feed of old people using a smart phone for the first time.. We can call it "Where are the buttons?"

   Thought I had a political tweet but it ended up being gas

   If you say the word "gullible" over and over really fast,, it sounds like your actually saying 'oranges'

   Hmm,,, Voyager1 is 8.2 billion Miles from Earth & continues to send readings back to us.. and I can't get cellphone reception in my livingroom?

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   I don't think it matters if a person is right-handed or left-handed, as long as they aren't under-handed.

   Must be giraffe hunting season or something ....

   Facebook: "Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?" Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.

   I had a dream I was reading fun ny sta tuses, I woke up and there weren't any here anymore..... just recycled rubbish!

   I once had a dream I was eating the world's worst tasing chocolate pudding...I woke up with a spoon in my ass.