Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you want to be right or happy?

   Hearing “I miss you” from the right person is a great feeling.

   People who have more than 10 items in the express line… Well Fu#k you to

   Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out.

   Life is weird. First you wanna grow up, then you wanna be a kid again.

   Why do I have to play 20 questions with the gas pump, before I can pump my gas?

   Please specify orientation ?heterosexual ?bisexual ?homosexual ?asexual ?metrosexual ?getnosexual?

   Life is like a box of condoms. If you don't use one, you never know what you're goin get.

   Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

   Fun fact: the person who said "If you love something let it go" died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

   The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

   Don't flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

   And The Bro saith unto them, Follow me to the club, and I will make you fishers of women. Bromans 4:19

   When life hands you women, make women laid

   Hello, Room service? Yes, in order to make my fort structurally sound I'm gonna need 9 more pillows brought to room 355 Bring ice cream too

   The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.

   I went to my 35th high school reunion and realized that "the one that got away" turned into a "dodged a bullet."

   Me: You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you're smart too, I like that.

   A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don’t know how to turn on the dish washer. I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick

   The bad thing about aging is that sooner or later, "bust a move" turns into "bust a hip."