KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   A tip for you joggers out there: To run faster, make sure there is an attractive person in front of you at all times OR a creepy guy behind you.

   People who don't like bacon can never be trusted.

   The dilemma with resisting temptation is that it may never be offered again.

   The feeling you get when youre driving & you see a cop. And youre not drunk or high, but you think 'god I hope he doesnt notice I'm driving'

   All of a sudden I love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.

   Just been told I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.

   The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.

   It's 2012. How come some restaurants haven't figured out how to split checks? Nobody wants to take a math test after they eat.

   Its amazing how many bad decisions can be justified or explained away by just saying, "I was drunk" or "I was in love"

   What no one tells you about rock bottom is that it has a fantastic open bar.

   Almost all serial killers are men. That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.

   10: I whip my hair back & forth. 16: I pass my blunt back & forth. 30: I drive my kids back & forth. 80: I rock my chair back & forth.

   Dear Chicken I don't get why you r so popular 4 crossing the road ... Yours Sincerely The cow that jumped over the Möön

   It's never too early to start drinking for St. Patrick's Day. There are only 52 days left.

   If homosexuals are going to hell, the interior design down there is going to be fabulousss.

   The older the Facebook post, the creepier your "like" becomes.

   You won't regret the men you never killed, but you will regret the women you passed up.

   People who create their own drama, deserve their own karma

   I drink heavily on the weekends so I can be able to deal with my workmates during the week.

   People who go to the liquor store and buy a pint of whiskey are poor planners… what are you going to drink tomorrow?