Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FYI I will be handing out 1 oz Bottles of "spirits" tonight to keep them kiddies warm

   Of course I'll attend your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween party tonight. I'll be dressed as the Invisible Man.

   Oh...Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween they say. I guess they don't appreciate random stangers coming to their front door.

   A recent study determined the number one reason couples divorce is marriage. . .

   This is gonna date me, but I remember when people used turn signals to notify other drivers of their intentions.

   Wouldn’t it be great if people could only get AIDS from being a Politician who screws with the economy and causes a Government Shutdown?

   The secret to life is to always do whatever's next.

   Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.

   At my age I only have two goals: to keep working a real job and to keep flossing real teeth.

   Promiscuous wizards often get staff infections. bippity, boppity, BOOOOO! HAPPY HALLOWEEN

   I did very much enjoy the week long 'Almost Human" promotional movie. I loved the commercials that had the baseball too.

   Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Chinese food condiment packets.

   Let the Red Sox annoyance begin.....ugh!

   Time to party like it's 1918.

   I never know how many Ramen Noodle seasoning packets to save throughout the year for Halloween treats, but I think I have enough.

   Getting high on life has never helped me get a handjob in a toilet stall.

   Allen Iverson has retired more times than he practiced

   Tomorrow I'm going to the homeless shelter and getting me some 2013 St Louis Cardinals World Series Champions shirts for free..

   I never wear a Halloween costume. I'm a character all year long!

   I'm hungry,, but the only thing in my fridge is Zuul.