Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been looking for an inventive way to get rid of all the worthless telephone books that get dumped at my door step every year so....."Trick Or Treat" kiddos!!!

   No use in complaining about life, you were the fastest sperm, this is your reward. . .

   Any teenager who is anxious to run his or her own life is obviously too young to do it.

   "Eyes" and you don't have to use a giraffe picture!

   Facebook went from the Cartoon network to the New Zoo review

   What if I'm awake? The answer might be outside the "door".

   The Red sox need "Just for men" for their beards!

   Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.

   I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...

   A costume and matching shoes later, my child owes me about $50 worth of candy..

   Ok word of advice ladies. a muffin top might be kinda cute but if you have a 3 tier cake top please don't go out side. you scare people. just sayin.

   I never know how much Cream of Wheat to make for the trick or treaters.

   One more reason that beer is good for you is that it's easier for your body to process than most other beverages. This is because it doesn't have to stop to change color.

   Breaking news: Barack Obama Unaware He Was Elected President. “I never knew & nobody told me” said Obama.......

   So former NFL quarterback Brett Favre admitted this week that he suffers from memory loss. This might explain why he may have sent pictures and lewd texts to reporter Jen Sterger when he played for the Jets, he forgot he was married!

   A boy was being mean to my 6 year old daughter yesterday, so she punched him in the eye... Was ice cream the correct punishment?

   I'm glad cheese doesn't know what's about to happen to it when I show up.

   BTW: Is someone writing these down?... (my grandmother, after reading my status updates)

   TV show idea! We just air a live feed of old people using a smart phone for the first time.. We can call it "Where are the buttons?"

   Thought I had a political tweet but it ended up being gas