Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He said he’d call me back in 30 minutes, it’s been 33. I just can’t deal with his lies anymore.

   #whoremembers ~ If you read that as whore members, we’re probably friends.

   Bucket list: Extra crispy, a side of cheesy fries and whipped cream gravy.

   Dont blame me. I voted for Trump.

   I have an assignment to translate a classic English poem into Spanish. So far I've come up with: Frijoles, frijoles, la fruta del musico. El mas usted consuma, el mas usted sonada breve.

   Seek immediate attention for erections lasting longer than CNN+.

   I wonder if people paying $300 for a Colon Cleanse even know about the new $4.99 Taco Bell deal?

   Never in the history of Calm Down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.

   When she’s sleeping…. Take her eyelashes off and make her a mustache with them. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   “Mr. Biden, why are you a total loser?” Asks new White House reporter Ronald Crump.

   Every time that you spend money, you’re casting a vote for the kind of world you want.

   Judge rules that airplane passengers no longer need to pretend to be eating for 5 straight hours.

   If your child makes fun of you for not being able to find the flashlight on your phone, just remind them of when you taught them everything.

   If they say it’s impossible, it’s impossible for them, not for you.

   Her: I have a child that needs a father figure. Him: I wear socks with sandals. Her: wow, you’re daddy af.

   Mike, Echo, Oscar, Whiskey… how do you copy? Over

   Cats are starting pyramid schemes and dogs are falling for them.

   Me: Hi, my name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic AAA: Sir this is triple A Me: I know, I'm explaining why my car is in the lake

   In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a guy in Germany He said, 'Cut it out.'

   Alien: I found this, (picks up cat) it’s vibrating.