Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would rather someone steal my identity than remember another password.

   How does it feel to be so weak that mere words offend you? Your ancestors must be so proud.

   I dropped my phone in a McDonalds sprite and that mf started charging.

   Babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15,000 in cash and a passport. I out pizza’d the hut and they’re after me.

   Dating a church girl is the best. I cheat, we pray about it and blame the devil.

   I always keep pepper spray on me in case someone attacks or tries to make small talk.

   If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.

   If you don’t finish with a wet spot on your tummy, are your dishes even clean?

   Hope this e-mail doesn’t find you. Hope you’ve escaped and are free.

   I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel. Nerds takes the edge off.

   I lost my best friend today , I'll never get to see him or hang around or talk to him on the phone again. He got his hand caught in a wedding ring .

   Woke means waking up from sleep. Stop trying to change meanings of words.

   If you’re being heckled in public like Mike Tyson was, you should legally be able to kick that person’s a$$. This generation thinks they can get away with anything.

   Elon Musk spent 44 billion sending woke narcissists into a spiral of depression and honestly, it was money well spent.

   If you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’s going to wear for the next five years.

   How does Melania Trump get ready to dance and strip on stage at her new job? She does a line of coccaine.

   Kamala Harris sounds like an 8 year old that didn’t read the book, but is trying to give a book report based solely on the cover.

   Jill Biden tries cocaine for the first time, says it needs more coke.

   Joe Biden wants to put coke back in cocaine, or you know, the thing.

   It's not student loan forgiveness, it's just shifting the tax burden from the borrowers to the non-borrowers.