Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life Hack: If you can’t afford a psychologist, just get a haircut instead.

   Roses are lame, love is fake, weddings are basically funerals with cake.

   Day 1152 without you: I tried kissing my own neck last night.

   Why can’t there be a virus that makes people smarter.

   People would be a lot less angry if they just put more butter on everything.

   Some people need to avoid touching two faces.

   Landline phones never get destroyed in washing machines.

   At the end of my appointment, the doctor took his own blood pressure.

   Milk comes from cows, not almonds or other hippy lifestyle products.

   Why don’t you take a break from disappointing me.

   I’m so old, I remember when people were well mannered.

   There is no such thing as having too much cheese.

   There are two ways of doing things, my way or the wrong way.

   My current mood would not get a good Yelp review.

   You think putting a pineapple ring on a canned ham is baking? No wonder your cat left you.

   Please keep your opinions and microdroplets to yourself.

   Deep Rock Galactic

   Sandstorms? Nahson.. It's called, crunchy sandwiches for a week

   What if Sam Kinison were still alive.. And someone tried to assault him onstage?

   How will people learn from their mistakes without other people to tell them "I told you so"?