Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get my arse home'

   Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple twice for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

   I told my boss today I wanted to take some mental health leave but I was all out. He said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   I was surprised to learn that Elon Musk was from South Africa. I figured he would be from Mad-at-gas-car...

   “Fact Checkers” didn’t exist until the truth started getting out.

   Brain: Don’t press send! Heart: But, we’re in love. Brain: We only met her yesterday!

   Her: I have ovaries. Him: Is that why you ovary act?

   Now that the statues are down, tell us how your life has improved. Take your time, I’ll wait.

   If I die, don’t let me vote for Biden.

   Papa Bear: Read the part again where she burns her whore mouth on my porridge.

   It’s okay to be sad after making the right decision.

   When you find out he can cook, has correct grammar and runs a meme page. (next thing I knew, I was pregnant)

   It’s nice outside, I think I’ll go sit on the patio. (1207 mosquitos like this)

   Yeah drugs are cool, but have you ever had ice water at 2:00am?

   It took you 15 minutes to get home, google maps says it takes 12. Who is she?

   When you click “accept cookies” but then you don’t get any cookies.

   Dog 1 to dog 2: “Once in a while, pretend like you hear something they don’t…. it drives them crazy!”

   Her: He’s probably thinking about other girls. Him: Ahhhhh…French Vanilla Rocky Road! Chocolate, Peanut Butter, Cookie Dough! Scoop, there it is! Scoop, there it is! Scoop, there it is! Annnnnnnd…. SPRINKLES!

   Regular unleaded: Willie Nelson, Plus unleaded: Snoop Dog, Supreme unleaded: Hunter Biden

   An old-fashioned candy necklace, but with tums and ibuprofen.