KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   Getting in an argument with women is like being arrested because anything you say can and will be used against you.

   I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot. I'd originally set out to find cheap gas, but I decided to keep my goals realistic

   We Found Love in a Swollen Face - Chris Brown ft. Rihanna

   Nice guys don't finish last, they finish by themselves in front of the computer.

   We have a robot that shoots lasers, they have a fruit. I think androids win.

   Everyone is perfectly normal until they stumble upon Facebook or Twitter.

   Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.

   Sad news - I helped organise my boss's funeral this week, but apparently he has to be 'dead' before it can go ahead.

   A snake bit me today and my neighbour's wife was kind enough to suck the venom out. Or at least that's what I told my wife when she walked in on us.

   RANDOM FACT: Rihanna's face is 70% forehead.

   I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?

   Alcohol goes in, honesty and truth comes out.

   The story of “how I met your father” is shorter than “how I met your mother.

   To be loved is to be fortunate, but to be hated is to achieve distinction. Thanks haters.

   I've been told I speak fluent sexual innuendo.

   Sometimes, by holding on too tight, you end up losing what you were trying so hard to save. Soap, for example.

   Ladies: A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world...oh sorry thats wine...wine does that.

   Sometimes when I close my eyes I can't see.

   "Hello, would you like to take part in a one-question survey?" "Sure." "Great! Thanks for participating."

   Before I post a joke on twitter I tell it to my windmill... He is a HUGE fan.