Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   What hip hop music needs is more songs set in nightclubs. About nightclubs. Encouraging people to go to nightclubs.

   I went to a Narcissists Anonymous meeting but it was just this pathetic bunch of nobodies

   i dont know whats worst..hearing dane cooks jokes..or seeing them recycled here all the time

   It's tough to control a fear of abandonment issue when your therapist doesn't show up for your appointment.

   If I had a time machine I'd stop OJ from killing those ppl & then nobody would ever know what a Kardashian is.

   If these walls could talk, I'd probably stop hanging things with nails.

   The Men's Warehouse guy is going to die of lung cancer. I guarantee it.

   I'm already sick of writing this book I'm thinking of writing.

   I can't seem to find Funkytown on Google Maps.

   Fact: Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

   When giving a tour of my apartment, I just point at things and say, "I got my head stuck in that."

   When they say, "Hello, sir. Can you sign this petition to end guilt-tripping outside of supermarkets?" Then I'll sign.

   My will stipulates that I'm to be buried with an air pump so that I can inflate my underground enemies during any wild games of Dig Dug.

   People who say, "In my humble opinion" are almost never humble.

   I'm chivalrous. I always hold the door open for a woman so I can get a better look at her butt.

   In honor of Mother's Day, I'm going to subtly disapprove of everything people do today by loudly exhaling.

   People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't - Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.

   When someone says "I've got the Mondays" I yell "OH I HOPE YOU DON'T DIE FROM IT!" and then we don't ever have to talk again.

   Is the whole point of the Home Depot commercials to make me feel lazy?

   Whenever people start getting too close to me I talk into my watch as I hold eye contact with them