Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say you are 22 times more likely to be killed by a cow than by a shark. This is true, my ex chased me with a knife once.

   If you're in a restaurant waiting for the waiter, aren't you the waiter?

   You like rap music? Who’s your favorite rapist.

   Day 712 without sex: went jogging in flip flops to remember the sound.

   Saw a store sign that read, “We treat you like family.” Well, NOT going in there.

   That mini heart attack when you can’t find spaghetti in your pocket.

   Stop looking for your soulmate and start looking for your soul, mate.

   Her: wtf… why’d you fu!c my mom? Him: You kept calling me daddy and I got confused, chill.

   Sign at the ten-minute oil change ~ “We won’t fart in your car.”

   When your girl butt dials you, but all you hear is trap music and slurping sounds.

   I may be as pretty as an angel, but I sure as hell ain’t one.

   If a 16-year old wants to adopt a child, she's not allowed by the government. She doesn't have the emotional maturity or the financial means to raise a child. But if she gets pregnant.....how does that make sense?

   Inflation: Payback for all that free Trump money. Happy weekend!

   I can relate to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard defamation trial. Sort of. I dreamt an old girlfriend chased me around the bed with a machete after eating a box of Ex-Lax.

   Hold my beer and watch this.

   Tried to hide a pill in a block of cheese and my dog suddenly became Gordon Ramsey.

   Home is where you trust the toilet seat.

   Life Hack: If you can’t afford a psychologist, just get a haircut instead.

   Roses are lame, love is fake, weddings are basically funerals with cake.

   Day 1152 without you: I tried kissing my own neck last night.