Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Every time traffic policemen stops me they ask if I have drunk anything. But no one ever asked me if I had eaten anything.

   It's really funny to see a cat fall off a bed, til it grabs your leg.

   When life gives you lemons, order the lobster tail.

   if you have a job where you have to wear a nametag, nobody gives a sh!t what your name is.

   If I could choose between world peace and a reasonable fortune, my first Lambo would be red.

   I don't care how hot she is, dumb is not sexy.

   It's drizzy outside, expect a Lil Wayne.

   Hey, do you have change for a $20? $20's are change, bro.

   Can we please stop calling them 'hipsters' and go back to calling them 'pu$$ies?'

   Listening to Obama talk about the economy is like listening to a chick talk about football.

   A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherf*cker.

   I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.

   My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.

   Often we fail to appreciate those closest to us... Soooo, go waaaaaaaay over there, I would appreciate it...

   Police have reported that Tony the Tiger and the Captain Crunch have been murdered. A police spokesman said it could be the work of a cereal killer.

   If the neighbors don't know your name, you're not f*cking your woman right...

   If you've never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you've never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

   If you're looking for a girl, here is what to look for: 1) HOT 2) SANE 3) SINGLE ... now pick two

   The only people who get offended are hypocrites. And I'm happy to make them uncomfortable...

   I'm so poor this week that if someone were to try to rob me they would laugh and give me money.