Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He said "Your obsession with cats is out of control. I can't handle it anymore." She cried, "You're kicking meeeowt?"

   My doctor says I should exercise. Uh, excercise. That's that thing where you have to move, right?

   My OCD can run circles around your anxiety disorder.... Perfect, organized circles.

   I put the I just wanna TALK in STALK

   My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I'm telling people she's my girlfriend.

   My husband said, "Good Morning" and thats how the fight started.

   I wish they made c ondoms for ears so I didn't have to hear so much bullsh*t.

   I bet aliens would visit us more if will smith didn't punch them in the head as soon as they got here.

   Does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won't share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding... I have no clue whose kid this is.

   So many baby mothers post up pictures of their kids everyday.. I'm watching them grow.. I'm technically their step dad

   What's with those lower urinals? Are they for small boys or large men?

   When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

   I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   It scares me that some of you have children.

   I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”

   Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30

   At my age, Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

   The French are horrible at robbing banks. As soon as they get out of the bank with the money, they go straight to police station and surrender.