Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? ANSWER: It took 95% of the Obummer bumper stickers off the road

   I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening tools, Its called beeches and hoes..

   DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.

   A Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.

   Do to budget cuts at Al Qaeda, They will be Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins...

   Sometimes I like to stick a band aid on the middle of my forehead and when somebody asks what happened I tell them I got shot.

   My dong was in the Guinness Book of work Records. But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

   For the immediate future I think we should show Coffee some respect and stop calling it a "Cup of Joe."

   When I think of you I touch myself meaning I rub my temples because you give me a headache.

   Things were much better on the tweeting Trump Train than they are on the sinking Biden Boat.

   Before Therapy: I hate people. After Therapy: I feel good about hating people.

   When you tell a joke so funny at work that HR wants to hear it.

   They had a distribution plan for crack pipes, but not for baby formula.

   Woman have so much evil in their blood that God drains it once a month.

   Your nudes won’t impress me…. Change my mind.

   When everyone leaves the house and you’re finally alone. “Bravo six, going dark.”

   An idea: “Broke Back Mountain 2” all female cast. This would smash all box office records.

   Facebook reaction emoji’s look a lot like a relationship from start to finish. Like, Love, Ha-Ha, Wow, Crying, Angry.

   Things I have in common with a raccoon: Dark circles around the eyes, eats junk, cute, a little chubby, up all night / sleeps all day, will fight you, possibly rabid.

   Her: Is your stomach flat? Him: Yeah, just the “L” is silent.