hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   To get back at the boss for no Christmas bonus, my goal is to rub my balls on everything in his office by New Years. Luckily I started in June.

   Whenever I set the voice on my GPS to 'Bon Jovi' it just keeps telling me "We're half way there".

   If you and your best friend don't have at least one night in your past that you vow to never discuss, you're not best friends.

   Don't base your decisions on the advice of people who don't have to deal with the results.

   If people can now use pepper spray to get the last piece of junk at Walmart, then I'm going to start using it for unwanted meeting requests.

   People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.

   My mind and my body are starting to strongly disagree about how old I am.

   You never see the GEICO Gecko driving a car in any of those commercials. I find that suspicious..

   Money doesn't buy you happiness is just a saying rich people made up to prevent poor people from wanting to rob them.

   If friends could be bought at the store, I'd have gotten a good deal on mine, because those “slightly irregular” bins are always discounted

   If I were a Kardashian, I would be Kikoo the developmentally disabled one who lives in the pool house and makes designer drool bibs.

   Just found out "Groupons" are just coupons for Grey Poupon. If you try to redeem them for anything else at Walmart you will be arrested.

   When someone says, "I think of you as family," I assume they're gonna scream at me for something that happened 15 years ago.

   If I was a ghost on "Ghost Whisperer" the first thing I would ask Jennifer Love Hewitt is "are those real?".

   When everything else fails... you always have delusion.

   I got life alert just in case I ever get a life.

   I'm so gangster, I don't even send an error report to Microsoft when Internet Explorer unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches.

   Remember, they're laughing with you, not at you. They're only pointing at you so you know who they're laughing with.

   Just got fired from SuperCuts for suggesting we change our name to 'Shut the hell up. You're at the Mall. What did you Expect?''

   I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me “Hey we have 7 mutual friends in facebook", Can I come in?