KISSTOPHER Funny Status Messages

   Hope for the best. Plan for the worst. Snack in between.

   The only thing worse than the “FRIEND ZONE” is the "SHE-THINKS-YOU-ARE GAY-ZONE".

   A teacher asks Johnny to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. He says, "My sisters sweater has 9 buttons but her boobs are so big, so can only fasten eight!"

   All you need is love. But a little booze now and then doesn't hurt.

   I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd tap that.'

   The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

   Tiger Woods's win last weekend is a great reminder that sex addiction only affects your golf game for 923 days.

   The memories of all the naughty things I've done in my lifetime will always bring a smile to my face.

   If you love someone, set them fee. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk.

   Skype Conversations: 5% Hey, how are you? 95% CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?!

   Never compliment a girl on Twitter, she'll reTweet it and make you look thirsty.

   I know a few women that would be considered very handsome if they were men.

   I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

   A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

   I love driving behind old people. You can get so much done: eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, read a book... write a book, etc.

   I am not saying I hate you or anything but if you were ever badly hurt and I had the only phone to call you an ambulance I would order pizza delivery first.

   When in doubt, put some booze in it.

   SWAG is for BOYS and CLASS is for MEN.

   It's okay to laugh during sex, just don't point.

   RANDOM FACT: Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder.