life Funny Status Messages

   Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life?......... I do.

   "Hi, I'm here to ruin your life" - Social media

   Alert and sober is no way to go through life.

   I’ve just realized I’ve come to a point in my new life . That I’m extremely happy that my favorite neighbor is that cat that lives three floors down!

   " You know your life sucks when you have to have three jobs just to keep up to being poor."

   The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

   The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

   My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

   Some people choose to be victims in life because it's a lot easier than being a winner.

   If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca's third dog.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.

   You can tell what was the best year of your father's life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and just ride it out.

   Everyone is talking about the royal wedding but life isn't a game of thrones

   Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.

   Life is short..... Unless you're married

   Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism among any animal.

   No woman will ever get caught cheating unless she wants you to know! Basic law of life.

   Mini Me was only 49. He lived a short life.

   She said "My love life is complicated." I said "No, nuclear physics is complicated. You're just a slut."

   I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.