unknown comic Funny Status Messages

   I'm starting to think Trump vs Hillary is because someone went back in time and stepped on a butterfly, and know where living in a future that was never meant to be

   Problems that have NOT been solved? Please join my class action suit against Vanilla Ice, who promised to solve them.

   Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada.

   I don't understand why they called it "WebMD" when they could have called it "Sickipedia."

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille

   I think Eminem should become a dentist just so he can say "snap back to reality, oh there's a cavity."

   If I was a ghost, I'd write "Happy Birthday" in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it's still your birthday.

   obviously I'm against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor... it's pure gold

   if you hitchhike make sure to use your thumb correctly or people might think you're just congratulating them on their excellent driving

   The way a dog that doesn't play fetch looks at a thrown ball—that's how I feel about everything.

   Woke up this morning with a song in my heart. Sadly, that song was "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas".

   Being sick & running out of tissues makes me think about all those times I was all willy-nilly with my tissues like some millionaire.

   I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal

   FACT: I've been rescheduling the same dentist appointment since 2009

   I wanna get rich enough to say to someone "nonsense, you can stay in our guest house"

   if you're a tailor and your shop's name isn't "Britches get stitches" then what's the point?

   Please enjoy my TED Talk, "Turn Signals: They're How You Tell Other Drivers What the Heck You're Doing"

   Felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket. Looked over and saw my phone on the table. Afraid to check my back pocket.

   Anyone know how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor never specified and frankly I'm exhausted!

   FACT: A baby is basically just a meatloaf that can look around a bit