mm Funny Status Messages

   You have four years to fix this country Joe. What are you doing instead? Talking about Trump every single day!

   People can't go to sleep if any of their phone apps need to be updated, but will drive their car with the check engine light on until it explodes.

   Seeking one-night stand... Possibly 2 because I have two lamps.

   Yes Amazon, I'm still watching. Stop being so insecure.

   It's been said we will see the Bengals in the Super Bowl when hell freezes over... Well, here we go.

   I just heard two lesbians arguing. One said "if you ain't cheating" let me smell your mouth...

   Holding a grudge don't make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn't make you weak; it sets you free.

   On Facebook, never judge a woman by his profile picture.

   Wouldn't it be funny to secretly place a sex toy in someone else's yard sale then stand back and watch the reactions.

   Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one...

   What's with everyone calling it "Holiday decorations" back in my day, we called it a little something like Christmas.

   Well, the people outside are frightful. And the traffic, is far from delightful. (blocking the intersection) since they got no place to go. people blow people blow people blow...

   Saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   I can't wait to have make up sex... I've been arguing with myself all day.

   Why do atheist celebrate Christmas? Just stop it! You are making yourself look bad.

   The best gift of all, is freedom and health. Merry Christmas

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide.

   I wonder how much it cost to pay off Michigans referees

   Haha I can see it now "pot stamps" for people that can't afford to buy their pot.

   Today is nation Sloth day, it should of been yesterday, but they didn't get around to it.