minnie haha Funny Status Messages

   I would have gotten a lot more back on my taxes if I could claim co-dependents.

   It's a thankless job, but apparently I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

   April showers bring May flowers. And May flowers bring...pilgrims!!!

   I have been thoroughly researching the native Potatoes of Couch and have become part of their tribe.

   Because the brilliant automakers in Detroit decided to put the dimmer switch on the turn signal and call it a “smart stick”....and THAT’S how I managed to get my foot stuck in the steering wheel..and I am sticking with that story until photographs s

   The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.

   Basketball. Pfft. Running back and forth. Making passes. Dribbling. I do that every Friday night.

   There’s this one dumb ass that found me on Facebook and won’t give up. Repeated friend requests, inbox messages.. It’s driving me nuts. I know at some point I’ll have to give in, but just because we’re married it doesn't mean I have to like him,

   Whiskey and Ambien. When you absolutely, positively, have to wake up naked on your neighbors lawn holding a mailbox.

   Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.

   Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.

   I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....

   This morning I woke up with a HUGE smile on my face....frickin’ neighbor kids and their Sharpies......

   Only because I take things ever so personally, from now on, when someone posts FML, I'll assume they mean "Fermenting My Liver."

   I donated blood today. Now I can be secure in the knowledge that somewhere, some fortunate person will wake up from an operation with the sudden ability to dance badly, sing off key loudly, and giggle a lot as they walk into things. And a hangover.

   Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of martinis as “Plan B”

   I’m having potato salad for lunch. Well, potatoes and olives. Fermented potatoes. I’m having a vodka martini for lunch.

   I am only going to say this once. I want the video involving me, the Cadbury Bunny and the marshmallow Peeps returned to me by tomorrow. No questions asked.

   For those of you that were wondering about my brackets: [ ] { } [ ] { } and [ ] { }