mckibben Funny Status Messages

   Today they took Rob Ford's office budget and his staff away. He has been removed from his position on committees and lost his power to fill vacancies. The only power he has left is to represent the city at official functions. That's actually the one I wou

   Are you all getting ready for Thanksgiving? PETA says today's turkeys are so fat, they can't stand up, they're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I'm sorry, that's what the turkeys are saying about us. I had it backward.

   According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.

   I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.

   A new survey found that 25 percent of Americans will spend less on Halloween this year because of the government shutdown's effect on the economy. Which explains that new party game — “Bobbing for Ramen Noodles.”

   Saudi Arabia is now threatening to sever diplomatic ties with the United States over Syria. I hope that doesn't cause them to do something drastic, you know, like overcharge us for oil.

   Despite our love of candy and fast food, the number of Americans who will live to be 100 years or older will increase dramatically. In 2010 there were 53,000 centenarians in the United States, and I have driven behind every single one.

   Halloween is just over a week away now. When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being 1/8 the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”

   The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice.

   Sylvester Stallone and his buddy Arnold Schwarzenegger have teamed up, and they've got a blockbuster action movie opening this weekend. They're a little older now than they use to be, but go see the movie. It's called "Escape From Assisted Living."

   I am really glad the shutdown is over. I'll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.

   Jerk** I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in '95. That's 1795. He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.

   It is now day 11 of the government shutdown and we knew sooner or later something like this was going to happen. Despite the national parks being shut down, several men were severely mauled by bears yesterday. But enough about the New York Giants.

   Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face. Read Latest Breaking News from Newsmax.

   A guy broke into my house last week, he didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Nut.....

   Go to Google and type in.... "DO A BARREL ROLL"

   Today a judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Or as Kim Kardashian put it, “30 days? That's like four marriages!”

   Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said he should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first.

   Thinking Washington will be the answer to the world's problems is like re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.