m Funny Status Messages

   "Half time" is that point in time when you are too full to eat a whole slice of pizza but you have plenty of room if you cut that piece into two pieces and eat them separately.

   Hey people tin high-crime neighborhoods; How's that "Snitches get stitches" mantra working for you?

   I have an overwhelming urge to give the weatherman a swirly while screaming; "HERE'S A POLAR VORTEX FOR YOU BEE-OTCH!!!"

   I don't understand prescription medication commercials because if I have to tell the doctor what medications I need then a new doctor.

   I guess describing my wife's menopause as "the ole' fallopian tubes finally rusting shut" was not a good idea....at least I have a comfortable couch.

   No, we do not have video of our baby's birth but we do have some very fine shots of his conception.

   My therapist told me I need to live every day as if it were my last. So, here I sit, eating a pint of my favorite ice cream and weeping.

   I have been very drunk before but not "wake up with a Kardashian" drunk.

   I say "no thanks" to the great airfare offer from Virgin Airlines...I'd rather fly on an airline that goes all of the way.

   My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.

   To the PR firm hired by Ray Rice; It doesn't matter how much you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

   One advantage of growing old is you don't have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.

   I don't mind when others use my gun for target practice...it's always nice to have a second set of finger prints on a gun.

   A pine cone in laying on the bottom of the pool looks like something much more troubling.

   Great canned tuna fish recipe: 1-Open can of tuna fish 2-Sit can on floor 3-Yell; kitty, kitty, kitty. 4: Now, go order a pizza.

   Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by disagreeing with the wife.

   I am surprised no one has consulted Michael Jackson's doctor for advice on what drugs to use to for quick, painless executions.

   I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.

   Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet recalls....

   youre a doll you are flawless, I just cant wait for love to destroy us