griff Funny Status Messages

   Today is my day off so I'll spend it worrying that I'm wasting my day off before I have to go back to work.

   Who the hell is this Will Power guy everyone is talking about? Maybe I'll run into him at the bar after my A.A. meeting.

   I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.

   After years of being called 'behind the times', I've finally got a trendy haircut. Just check out my profile pic on MySpace, losers! (

   If Facebook gets any slower, I'm just going to jog to each of your houses and shout out stuff.

   Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside, if it's wide use 3 fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.

   My girlfriend yelled at me yesterday, "That's why we always fight...because you only hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied, "I HAVE been working out."

   Please don't start calling me 'hero' but this lady collapsed at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean up in Aisle 3.

   I am such a thoughtful Lad! I bought my ex a chair for Christmas. But the power company won't let me hook it up.

   gonna buy a real tree sometime this week, hope it doesnt end up like amy winehouse, dead...5' 6 and surrounded by needles by christmas...

   Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.

   The doctor said I have ADOLAB. Attention Deficit...Ooo! Look! A beer!

   hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married

   only eats chocolate covered caramel because that's how I Rolo™

   Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"

   I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

   I walked passed the fridge earlier an thought I heard the BeeGees, when I opened the door it was only a chive talking.

   The following sentence is true: The previous sentence is false. (

   was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.

   While cooking dinner tonight I got herbs in my eyes. I am now parsley sighted