andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.

   If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I'm really just testing your resolve

   75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.

   The streets will run red with the blood of my enemies is probably something I shouldn't have said out loud at the neighborhood watch meeting

   If I've learned anything from Facebook, it's that everyone has a birthday

   I carry a yoga mat but it's only because I get sleepy after lunch

   Coworker asked me to lunch and I didn't have the heart to say no so I planted drugs in his desk and got him fired.

   A smile is like tight underwear, it lifts your cheeks

   So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not "fergalicious"

   FACT: If you ever see a bear, lie down, curl in the fetal position. The bear will then lay behind you as the big spoon & ask you how your day was

   I think the worst fate would be a mime stuck in an actual soundproof invisible box.

   The internet completely changed the way I avoid doing stuff

   Finally woke up before the birds, gonna go scream at them.

   Bob didn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Nor could he spell it. Signing up for the Spelling Bee to meet girls had been a mistake.

   I have no idea what swag is, but I'm fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.

   If you've ever seen a foal being born then you pretty much know what it looks like to watch me get out of a beach chair.

   Here is my panic room. Over there is my slightly anxious room, and next to the foyer is my complete mental breakdown room.

   Voices woke me up in the middle of the night, champagne was a ripoff & I'm still trying to leave. 1 star. -online review of Hotel California

   If only I could be as witty as local news anchors think they are.

   When they named Newfoundland, it's like they just weren't even trying.