Tom Funny Status Messages

   People are busting my balls because I still have a landline. I can't get rid of it though because it matches my abacus....

   Just spent several minutes looking at photos of Gwyneth Paltrow in a bikini. Now I'm going to cure cancer...

   It would be amazing if hyenas could watch a bunch of '80's films and start to employ the slow clap when being particularly derisive...

   A rolling stone gathers no moss, and that's the last time I hire Keith Richards to do my landscaping...

   Has anyone checked on Tupac lately? He hasn't put out a posthumous album in quite a few years.

   Having correctly predicted the vampire craze, I now boldly predict the next pop culture phenomenon. Butlers.

   The price of gold is at an all-time high. If I were a young rap artist, I think I'd ride out the storm in graduate school.

   I'll bet if Andy Capp's wife took that stupid rag off her head and dolled herself up a bit, maybe he wouldnt have to get drunk all the time...

   From now on, whenever my toilet gets clogged I'm going to call it a "top kill."

   This economy is so bad I actually saw a guy in the back of a limo hand another guy in a limo a bottle of generic yellow mustard.

   Stop laughing at Ziggy. He obviously has a medical condition.

   If Death hands you lemons, just eat them. Peels and all. It really doesn't matter at that point.

   I've had bratwurst for 4 days straight. I think that means I have to pay taxes in Wisconsin now.

   My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading.

   As I sit I wonder is it illegal to park in a handicapped bathroom stahl?

   Rain with sunshine today... the devil must be beating his wife.

   In it's purest sense, redistribution of wealth is when I buy dogfood, feed it to my dogs, and they sh#t it out all over my yard...

   just Manny being Manny