Tim Funny Status Messages

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a f@#king dragon and sh!t myself.

   Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?.....That's as crazy as the low low prices at Dave's Furniture Emporium

   Ultimate D**k move would be Bill Gates buying all the possible mega million combos. Theres only 176 million of them and he'd double his money unless there were other winners.

   My wifes new nickname is Karma

   I just got my wifes Christmas gift. I hid it in the oven. She will never find it there!

   needs some fresh air and regrets the decision to let the cat lick up the spilled Fiber One yogurt.

   thinks his facebook has been hacked! I'm going to change my password to: titus_b12bomberraid.. That oughta do the trick!

   Eating at KFC makes me feel sluggish, a little slow, and my eyes are droopy. I think it might be Double Down syndrome.

   Did you say photographic memory or pornographic memory? I have one of those.

   cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.

   God was the greatest inventor of all time. He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker

   In Texas, the words Texas & Taxes sound alike. This makes today confusing for them, I bet. I'm not concered, I already did my Texas.

   "You want the booth?!? You can't handle the booth!" Jack Nicholson working at Perkins

   I've got an empty coffee cup and no memory of drinking it. I don't put cream in my coffee, so I think that's a black out.

   OCD's Anonymous meeting at my place. Anyone who feels compelled to clean up, go for it.

   Yoda's last name Lay-he-hoo?

   Am I the only one that found irony in Walmart having a whites sale this week?

   thinks chihuahuas are really regular size dogs in tight skin. All that made it out was their eyes! That would explain why they're so angry.

   Just got out of the shower and dried off with a Sham Wow! Think I'll slip into a Snuggie and watch some infomercials.

   thinks that while many auto manufactures put the brakes on due to this global ressession, Toyota just kept on rollin'.