Sully Funny Status Messages

   SAFETY REMINDER: If you encounter an NFL Running Back this weekend, Keep your distance and do NOT approach them....

   I have 3 babysitting rules. 1. Don't touch my Oreos. 2. Don't bug me unless you're dying. 3. If you don't tell on me, I won't tell on you........

   hmmmm...... Thats weird, I dont remember eating corn last night?

   If I ever get into road rage again, and the person gets out of their car. I'm going to run them over under the Tony Stewart act..... Just saying

   Sometimes I wish Tony Stewart would run me over....... #Hangover

   Relax, everyone.....The government that couldn't get a website to work has got this Ebola thing. Don't worry!!

   I'm not saying it's a bad idea to bring an Ebola patient to Atlanta, I'm saying everyone should leave Atlanta because I've seen this movie....

   Excited to try this new Starbucks Nigerian Ebola Blend this morning....yum yum

   I think I might have a natural immunity to Ebola. I get feverish, diarrhea and vomiting symptoms most Sunday mornings....

   Is it just me...., or does "Ebola" sound kind of like "Obama?"

   My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.....

   Dear air conditioning: I don't think I've ever truly expressed how grateful I am for you. Now please keep cranking out that cold air.......

   Paid a kid $20.00 to cut my grass - I've officially created more jobs this year than Obama.......

   America. Even when we lose, we still win..... USA!!

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat........

   Merry Half-Christmas! Enjoy the holiday, everyone.....

   Been teaching the grandkids about taxes at DQ by eating 38% of their ice cream.......

   Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my "funny" status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...

   If you swap five copperheads for a rattlesnake, your kids still won't be any safer in the yard. Same with terrorists and traitors.....

   Since Obama is negotiating with terrorists......... Let's offer Mexico a prisoner swap. We will give them 11.7 million immigrants in exchange for our one Marine.