Scottyp Funny Status Messages

   My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know....

   I've really never been able to walk the walk or talk the talk, but if you need someone to drink the drink, I might be just the one you're looking for..

   Obama leaned in, pointed to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and murmured, "I tapped that." #NSA

   We would like to thank the NY Giants for their participation in the 2013 NFL season. Please pick up your consolation prize at the door on your way out. Thank you

   To this day it still upsets me that all of those times that Forest Gump was separated from his true love, he never ONCE thought to pick up a phone and dial 867-5309.......

   To all of you expecting Mothers.....happy Labor Day.....

   Wow it's hot outside....I was only out there for 10 minutes and I was wetter than Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards...

   "Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds"~~John Lennon....world's worst Clue player

   I used to be a people person......but people fckued that all up...

   I cant wait until 2016 so that I can learn through FB what country Hillary Clinton was really born in and what type of tyrantical gvmt she's associated with and how fast she plans to go door to door to take everyones hand guns..

   so I just watched " Limitless" for the 1st time with my girlfriend. She said " Wouldnt it be great if there was a drug that you could accomplish anything and just b a little sick afterwards?"..i was like, there is, its called OPIATES...

   its Sunday morning and I'm in a liquor store wearing nothing but a bathing suit and flipflops..so yes Mrs. cashier..im pretty sure I dont need a reciept

   10-11-12..........Happy I can count past 9 day.....:-)

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I've never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...

   I have never "Officially" done Yoga, but I did have to get up in the middle of last night and pee.........while erect.......so I'm pretty sure I'm qualified to teach a class now.............(If you are a woman, don't even bother trying to understand this)

   God traffic sucks today. So glad that 47 per cent of the people in this country don't even try otherwise traffic would be even worse!

   I don't always eat breakfast naked, but when I do, I get escorted out of IHOP really quickly......

   I'm sitting here watching "The First 48", and thinking, you just killed someone....is it THAT hard to plead 'not guilty" and just take your chances..

   My girlfriend bought me a can of Axe bodyspray for my birthday......However, I live in a predominantly black neighborhood so around here we call is Ask.......

   I really want a sandwich, but I just don't have the time or energy to find a girlfriend right now.....