Nunthewizr Funny Status Messages

   Screaming "Autobots, ROLL OUT" at someone in a wheelchair isn't funny. Everyone knows handicapped people are Decepticons................and my place in Hell is secured for the day.

   I cant think of a single life situation that cannot be improved by wearing tear away pants.

   Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They're always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.

   They’re gathering information by going through our trash. Learning. Plotting. Raccoons haven’t forgotten that we used to wear them as hats.

   Valet parking is just Canadian car jacking.

   Got an anxiety attack when I first heard DC was shutting down. Then I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized it wasn’t the comic books.

   How long are we gonna joke about the government shutting down and pretend like Skynet didn’t just go online?

   When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he's homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

   Life would be better if squirrels liked sitting on our shoulders. You can’t be sad with a cool squirrel friend on your shoulder.

   Walmart Guy: Sir, it should take about thirty minutes for your oil change. If you want to do some shopping, we will call your name out over the loudspeaker when we are finished. Me: If you want to live, you will not call my name out over the loudspeaker.

   I have nothing against people who choose to smoke but that whole little thing you do, with cracking your car window and blowing smoke out doesn’t help. Umm….yeah….your car still stinks.

   In other news....Hannah Montana changes her name to Hannah Idaho.

   Sometimes I run toward people and get so frustrated that they don't know I want to do the Dirty Dancing lift. Then it just becomes awkward.

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I'm always like, "I love you," and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."

   I wish people would be honest in their FB posts, like, "Happy birthday to my slightly less than average looking kind of friend, Jenny."

   Very little scares me. So does very big.

   Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.

   The term "chubby chasers" is so misleading and inaccurate. They don't run.

   snaxting a thing? Like texting each other pictures of your snacks? Because I kind of think I'd be good at that.

   Which is creepier. Being in a bathroom stall and looking out through the crack in the door, you see someone looking back? Or looking into the stall and you see someone looking out?