Nobody Funny Status Messages

   Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the confines and privacy of my own mind.

   Smoking weed doesn't make you cool. It's what you do while you're high that does.

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You'll be amazed of how much less you care.

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk

   The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

   Happy Birthday Weed!

   I'm not suggesting Cher is a nazi, but at no point during 'If I could turn back time' does she think about killing Hitler.

   Put your crash helmet on love, because you're going through the headboard.

   You need a best friend you can have sex with.

   What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Patient.

   Rose are red, Violets are blue, Babe you're single, Cause I am dumping you.

   Ladies: Before you marry a guy, ask yourself, "will he be a good killing partner during the zombie apocalypse?"

   My wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath, I suppose I should wait until she gets out.

   Show me where it hurts and let me kiss it.

   There's no sex like the ‘we haven't had it for awhile' kind of sex.

   I am sick of women saying men can't multi task! I can tell my wife that her ass don't look fat in those jeans and keep a straight face at the same time.

   My friends and I used to get high on gas vapour, but we now just smoke crack, it's cheaper.

   My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.

   I don't know what you see in me, but daily I'm thrilled that you see whatever it is that you see.

   My local post office uses four checkouts unless it's really busy; then they use one.