Mick F Funny Status Messages

   I was at the store, and there was an old lady looking at turkeys. She asked,"Do you think these turkeys will get any bigger closer to the holiday?" I said, "No." She asked, "Why?" I go, "Because they're dead."

   Camping? Yeah right. My idea of roughing it, is a night at Motel 6 with Basic Cable.

   The reason I don't play Scrabble online, is that I can't throw the tiles at the person who beats me.

   Frustration 2011: A pic of several women. They're all tagged EXCEPT the only hot one.

   I donated my body to science....fiction.

   Me: If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time. She: If I had known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose.

   Ever notice that those who have nothing on the inside, are the one's that are the most preoccupied with what is on the outside?

   I hate when you friend request a hot chick, then they add you and you're going thru their pics only to find out they look like Rosie O'Donnell at 75 years old coming off a thirty day drinking binge.

   When I was a kid, I didn't think humans could move their feet like Fred Flintstone. That is until that time the Ice Cream truck passed my house without stopping.

   I had my mom get me some condoms once. I told her I used them to keep my cigarettes dry at the beach. She went to the pharmacist and asked for some. Wise guy asked, "What size?" She said, You know, for a camel!"

   Diet Journal, Day 4: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs.

   My lifetime ratio of bananas purchased to bananas eaten is running about 5 to 1.

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   I hit the 5,000 friends mark today. Which isn't bad, until you realize that I've been on facebook since 1872.

   I met a cougar online. She said she still turns heads at her age. She was right. When we hooked up, my head did a 360 and I started vomiting green pea soup.

   Pretty much all of the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

   If ‘ifs' and ‘buts' were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.

   There should be three options for facebook posts. "Like", "Dislike", and "Yep, I'm In The 95 Percentile That Doesn't Get It".

   Some people have the emotional depth of rainfall collected in a thimble at the Sahara Desert.

   :V (Guy who talks out of one side of his mouth).