MM Funny Status Messages

   I got to face the facts. My orange loser will never darken the doors of the white house ever again. Not even as a tourist.

   Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job... What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

   There was another kidnapping at a local a school today, luckily the kid woke up!

   I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives....

   With all the discounted Valentine's candy that's available, I like to call February 15th "Loner Halloween."

   I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it...

   If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it...

   Let her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

   You suddenly realize that you're all grown up that moment when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.

   Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their stuff...

   You have four years to fix this country Joe. What are you doing instead? Talking about Trump every single day!

   People can't go to sleep if any of their phone apps need to be updated, but will drive their car with the check engine light on until it explodes.

   Seeking one-night stand... Possibly 2 because I have two lamps.

   Yes Amazon, I'm still watching. Stop being so insecure.

   It's been said we will see the Bengals in the Super Bowl when hell freezes over... Well, here we go.

   I just heard two lesbians arguing. One said "if you ain't cheating" let me smell your mouth...

   Holding a grudge don't make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn't make you weak; it sets you free.

   On Facebook, never judge a woman by his profile picture.

   Wouldn't it be funny to secretly place a sex toy in someone else's yard sale then stand back and watch the reactions.

   Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one...