Jeremycakes Funny Status Messages

   I made sushi for my dinner today. I was missing some ingrediants though, so I substituted the fish with ham, the wasabi with mustard and the rice with two slices of bread. Yum! Good sushi!

   I'm swearing off energy drinks! The last one left me so buzzed,I ended up out in my yard for hours freaking out about a double rainbow!

   Watching wrestling. Kinda tired of hearing the fans yell "WHAT???" That catchphrase was old years ago. DAMN YOU STEVE AUSTIN! ;) ;) ;)

   Snooki is going to be hosting WWE raw on monday. Finally, a good match for Hornswoggle

   Never open a email with the attachment " Charlie Sheen footage". It's not a virus or anything,but lets face it, we've all had enough of that idiot lately.

   A guy from kentucky won a 60 million dollar jackpot recently. He said he's going to split all the money with his wife and sister. Wow, that's one lucky woman.

   Remember a couple years ago when everybody thought Tom Cruise was losing his marbles? Looks like Charlie Sheen has set the new standard for celiberty craziness .Better tell Oprah to hide the couch.

   Police officer says "Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence against you." Your answer should always be "Please don't hit me again officer"

   If young girls ruled the world there would be no wars. They would be too busy obsessing about Twilight and Justin beiber to do anything violent.

   People eat at Mcdonalds because they either.(A) love it but don't know how bad it is for you (B) Love it but they don't care that it's bad for you (C).Don't really like it but eat it because they desperatly need to clean out thier colon.

   I was asked today, " Jeremy, should I dye my beard and get rid of the grey hairs? Or do I look better with the greys?" So I looked this person right in the eyes and said "Aunt Shirley, you really should just shave it! You look like Chewbacca's sister!"

   Now I'm not going to say Snoop Dog smokes alot of pot, but last night at a concert he farted and the entire first 3 rows got the munchies.

   I walked into the bank and put a bag of weed on the desk. The clerk says, "What r you doing?" I said,"I want to open a joint account"

   Charlie Sheen has been giving people advice on sobriety. Hmm, that's kind of like Tiger woods or Jessie James giving advice on how to be a good husband.

   (Q) Reproduceing bees are called queens. What are the none reproduceing bees called? (a) Lesbees

   I was in my doctors office the other day. he said "One last thing, you really have to stop eating so many eggs." I said "Is my cholestoral too high?" Then the doctor said " No, but you farted in the waiting room and darn near killed everyubody.'

   Sex is the price women pay for marriage,and marriage is the price men pay for sex

   I found a skull near my home today. I went to call the police, but curiosity got the better of me and I picked the skull up and wondered "Who was this person?","Where did he come from?" "How did he die?",and "Why did he have moose antlers?"

   We've gotten too much snow lately. Everywhere outside it looks whiter than the audience at a Toby Keith concert!

   People are often worried about the mafia, but I think it's Justin Beiber we should be worried about. Get on Beibers bad side and he can send tens of thousends of angry young girls over to your house to totally kick your butt! Beib's the new John Gotti.