Jake Funny Status Messages

   To the person who stole my diet pills, you have nothing to gain.

   What's the matter with you guys? Did you break your laugh box or something?

   Wives, husbands talk in their sleep because it's the only time they get a chance to talk.

   Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.

   Cat: Hey. Me: Hey cat. Cat: What are you doing? Me: Smoking a joint, I think I'm stone. Cat: Ya think?

   Losing your wife can be difficult. I know because I've been trying to lose mine for years.

   What business makes money by driving their customers away........ A taxi.

   Who ever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy.

   I'm not saying my wife is overweight or eats to much, but I had too put an engery saving lightbulb in the fridge.

   You always hear the wife complain about their husband leaving the toilet seat up. But you'll never hear the husband complain about the wife leaving the toilet seat down.

   Wives are like newspapers. They have a new issue every day

   For the first time I went into another room an actually remembered why I went there...... Ok so it was the bathroom but still I remembered.

   I asked my wife what would you do if I won the lottery? She said I'd take half, then leave you. Great, I won $50.00 here's $25.00 bye bye.

   What do you call a man who has everything? A bachelor.

   If athletes get athlete's foot and tennis players get tennis elbow. What do gynecologists get........ Tunnel vision.

   20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash. no hope and no jobs. Hope nothing happens to kevin Bacon.

   I will only date a woman 3 times. I'm not scared of commitment. I'm scared my wife will find out.

   I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.

   Bad decision: Believing we're from the government and we're here to help you.

   Confuius said "Never check the depth of water with both feet."