GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   You can walk around Walmart and eat grapes and nobody bothers you, but as soon as you eat a rotisserie chicken, here comes security.

   Like I said before: Newsflash, I'm not going anywhere. In fact, the more ignorant you get, the stronger I get. So it doesn't do you any good to keep trying to attack me.

   Whoever named it Parmesan cheese and not spaghetti confetti missed a great opportunity.

   If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!" most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

   I just bought $200 worth of groceries... And then ordered pizza because I don't feel like cooking after the hassle of buying groceries!

   I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently "A way out" wasn't the right answer.

   When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for motivation.

   Hi

   I tried to play hide and seek. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off the leash.

   Wife: Have you seen the broom? Me: Where did you put it when you landed?

   n't it funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you.

   I said, "Alexa, what do women want"? The thing hasn't shut up for seven days.

   Egg prices are dropping. It turns out that if you stop killing chickens, they lay more eggs.

   I just killed a huge mouse. Ripped it to bits. The staff at Disneyland are furious.

   I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping my gas.

   Marriage tip: If your wife cooks, make sure the smoke detector has good batteries in it!

   I read somewhere that being sarcastic on a daily basis can add up to three years to your life. If that's true, I'm gonna live forever.

   It's so strange to think before Facebook, all this nonsense just stayed in people's heads.

   Newsflash to all the haters out there trying to hate on me: I'm not going anywhere!

   Remember when teachers used to say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go". Well, we showed them.