Gary2.0 Funny Status Messages

   Marriage tip: When you go to borrow your husband's tools, don't put them back. You don't know where they belong. Have your husband take care of it. That way he can show some responsibility and make sure that his things are where he wants them to be.

   I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high-speed chase, because it would be funny watching cops chase a donut truck on the news.

   We're out shopping for new dishwashers because my wife says ours is broken. I'm still not sure why we're here and not at the hospital though.

   Now that everyone has a phone with a camera on them 24 hours a day, where have all the UFOs gone?

   If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it's working.

   Whoever put the S in fast food is a marketing genius.

   My wife asked how golf went. I said, "Mentally? Tough. Spiritually? Necessary".

   I don't usually brag about going to expensive places... But I just left the gas station.

   My wife asked why I wake up at 4 a.m. to fish. Because peace and quiet are apparently sunrise exclusives

   I don't understand why banks get upset when you can't repay a loan. You already knew I had no money when I came to borrow it.

   My wife said, "Do whatever you want". I'm currently evaluating risk.

   I told my wife I had a plan. She asked if it was a good one. I said, "It exists".

   My wife asked if I was listening. I heard enough to be concerned.

   I keep having this recurring nightmare. It lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.

   What up MM?

   It's not easy being my wife's arm candy, but I hear I'm nailing it.

   I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

   I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

   I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey... But I turned myself around.