Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   FACT: being a constant delight just comes naturally to me.

   Do athletic people not know about Netflix?

   Welcome to passive aggressive training. None of you appear to be very bright... but I'm sure you'll do great!

   If I'm ever in a coma, promise me you'll slip pizza into my IV.

   Five Secrets of Successful People: 1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets

   If you'd asked me to guess which groups would be really into wearing sunglasses, I would not have gotten 'blind people.'

   If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck WHAT IS IT DOING HERE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I mean EVERY TIME! It's freakish and it can't really be safe.

   While you're out partying, I'm playing Connect Four with Thin Mints, by myself. Who's the loser now? Not me I've won 5 sleeves times in a row.

   Was asked to join the Optimist Club the other day but I just had this feeling that no good would come of it.

   I have nothing in common with people that think about work when they're at home. I don't even think about work when I'm there.

   Fun thing to do #26: Stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.

   I don't mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day cleanse in 3 hours and 15 minutes.

   Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, bite like a mosquito, carry 100 times your body weight like an ant.

   A new study shows that as people get older women retain memory better than men. This just proves that thing my wife told me...

   I'm funnier online than in person, and funnier in print than online, but I'm at my funniest when you have no interaction with me at all.

   Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.

   I could never hate someone for their political views when I can hate them for the way they chew.

   I just had salmon, raspberries & pine nuts for supper. Somewhere, out there, a grizzly bear is searching for his soulmate.

   Son needed a topic for his science project and I suggested "A Science Project That Wasn't 100% Completed By Dad."