DYLAN BOSCH Funny Status Messages

   I wish I had the ability to see 5 seconds into the future so I could know whether to slam the door in someone's face or hold it for them based on whether they thank me or not."

   if I ever go missing, I want my photo on beer bottles instead of milk cartons because I want someone fun to find me."

   I'm not a fan of that show 'the Voice'.. Call me old fashioned but I just don't think somebody who f*cked up the National Anthem in front of millions of people should judge anybody."

   Call of Duty.. Helping Guys like me who don't play the game get laid since 2003."

   Recipe for disaster: When your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad..."

   Facebook should have an "exam mode" where you can enter the dates of your exams and you are denied access if you try to go on it during that period of time.

   Hey Karma, I got a list of people you missed."

   It's pretty sad when the highlight of a three hour football game is out staged by a red m&m."

   feels like Simba in Lion King, you know that part where he's stuck in the stampede, and his dad dies saving him, but then later he meets Timon and Pumbaa... f*ck black friday I'm going home to watch Lion King."

   you know you're totally screwed when the guy who stole your identity begs you to take it back."

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a pill bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."

   When my ex moved out while I was at work, she took my new flat screen tv, but she couldn't find the remote. I will occasionally drive to her house around 2 am and turn the TV on and the volume all the way up. I'll give it 2 years and call us even."

   You know college has changed you when you see your 6 year old niece drinking out of a red plastic cup, and you scream, "Don't drink that... juice." Oh.

   You're Profile Picture had me at Hello... as in Hello, Report/Block, Goodbye that's a Fake Profile B*tch!"

   Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind."

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that.."

   the New Facebook Chat! You have friends Online.. But you have to guess who more then half of them are!"

   Why won't the bank give me my cash in bags with dollar signs on them?.. That'd be cool."

   that Smurfs movie looks stupid. I just want to see it, just to see how stupid it is."

   I'm watching a special on how William wooed Kate with his cooking skills. Good for him. If I was in his position, my wooing program would only consist of . . . you know I'm going to be king someday."