Brafty Crastard Funny Status Messages

   When people stutter I have a really bad urge to shout "REMIX!"

   Let's see how long I can hold your breath under water.

   I wish instead of aiming to please, I could just start shooting to kill. I think it would make me feel better.

   I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?” I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

   Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, “Don't ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand.”

   A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

   Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner.