Bobo The Chimp Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I lock my car, I always press the remote lock button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I MEAN BUSINESS.

   Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would probably be ok, but I don't wanna be dragged from bed 'paranormal-activity' style..

   Praying that Jennifer Lawrence's hacker did not find my secret selfies...

   When life hands you pig hooves and horse gums, make hot dogs.

   I want my hour of sleep back.

   Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

   Life is just better when you're laughing.

   To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.

   According to Facebook, Jackie Chan has died 486 times. I must admit that is a rather incredible stunt...

   The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

   Stop screaming, lady. All I said was 'this is how pornos start'. It's just elevator talk.

   Wine is a fruit, right?!

   NEWS FLASH....CORDUROY PILLOW MAKES HEADLINES!!!!

   Unless life also hands you water and sugar, that lemonade is gonna suck.

   I could have sworn I heard a chorus of a thousand tiny voices rising up from the shower drain to wish me a Happy Fathers Day.

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot.

   May the 4th be with you. To celebrate I just put a C-3PO action figure in my bum.

   Jessica Simpson has already taught her daughter everything she knows.

   The only yoga stretch I have perfected is the yawn.

   If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon.