@uxbridgeguy Funny Status Messages

   The wind is proper whipping it up out there, guess I won't be taking the broom out for a spin tonight

   Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again

   If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.

   According to my nipples, summer is over

   Don't see the point in calling this phone a iPhone anymore, it' spends that much time on charge it may as well be called a landline!!!

   that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Neither, it's my new iPhone.

   I'm gonna complain to Domino's! They said I'd have my pizza before I could say 'Piping hot!'. I've said it 867 times since then and it's STILL not here!

   There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.

   This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.

   "Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally"

   You said you didn't want to text your ex, Tequila determined that was a lie

   If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail.

   Dear sneeze, If you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and leave.

   I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them

   "Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life."

   Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.

   Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...

   It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

   My Laptop should come with a breathalyzer so I can't post anything after 3 glasses of wine

   I may not be that much of an importance to you but atleast I will be there when you need me