@topherjordan Funny Status Messages

   Your bra is the biggest liar I know.

   The best part about shopping at Wal-Mart is getting the whole soap/personal care section all to yourself.

   When you think about it, it's probably best not to think about it.

   Why am I still up? No wait, better yet, why am I still sober?

   I'm eating nothing but comfort food tonight...cookies, ice cream, pizza. I don't even care, but I think I'm starting to like food way more than people.

   I consider myself a social drinker....which means I'm pretty much social all the time.

   Due to those 5 extra minutes of sleep I got because of the snooze button I'm not even tired anymore --Said no one ever!

   This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.

   Where there is alcohol, there is a way.

   I hate it when I don't know what I'm talking about and you try and correct me!

   If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to post that you won't be signing autographs when you get off of work at 5 today.

   I found a big piece of pie in the fridge late last night with a note that said, "Don't eat me"....Now there's an empty plate with a new note that says, "Don't tell me what to do!"

   I'm only going to be online until I get off.

   If there is an afterlife, I will spend all of it in the statistics archives looking up how many beers I drank, hours I spent on fb, etc...

   I just saved a TON of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook.

   The key to forgiving somebody is to remember that not everyone is perfect like you.

   My objective is to die young...as late in life as possible...

   If I never use a smiley face in any of the texts I send you.....it's safe to say I don't like you.

   I had a dream last night that everyone I loved abandoned me. Morgan Freeman was there too. Man. That guy's in everything.

   Here's a shout out to all my friends that like shout outs!