Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My resume is basically a list of things I hate to do.

   Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.

   A poncho, because nobody else is going to hug you.

   Global Warming would not be a problem if people would stop producing so much hot air complaining about Global Warming.

   My wife takes forever to get ready when we are going out for the evening. I swear, there are glaciers that move faster.

   I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!

   Can't wait to see the look on my doctors face when he walks in the room and I'm already bent over the exam table!!!

   I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.

   Ladies; if you suspect that your man is cheating, take him to that b*tch's front and and see if his wifi connects automatically.

   Authorities should not allow the "selfie" song on the radio. It leaves you no choice but to drive off the road into a tree!

   My landlord just called and said my neighbors just complained about all the loud freaky sex they are hearing from my house... So now I'm on my way to buy some headphones for my laptop...

   The Supreme Court has ruled that city council meetings may open with a prayer. Especially if the city in question is Detroit

   Guys.. You ever see a very attractive female and think "man, I have no idea how she could be single" and then she says 4 sentences, and it all makes sense...

   You know that movie "Unbreakable" where Bruce Will cannot find the limits of his own strength? I'm like that but with ice cream consumption.

   Save a tree, use a sock.

   Spoiler alert: Spoilers on cars are stupid.

   hey people who pull the finger in pics; what;s wrong? Did the camera lens bully you?

   I don't make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.

   If Microsoft buys Facebook. Than the first notificationwe will get will be: “You have to install driver to addfriends”.

   If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?