Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Inflation is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore.

   Accidentally called out my dentist's name during my colonoscopy.

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life..

   The best password cracking software is a pissed off ex.

   I just saw a guy with a "Support Dyslexia" bumper sticker on the front of his car.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood..

   Mansplaining is a correctile dysfunction.

   Johnny Depp gets 15 million dollars for being with a nut job. And all these years I've been doing it for free!

   Caller ID isn’t enough for me. I need to know why you’re calling.

   If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Heads up guys, there are some real weirdos in this group. Someone messaged me to meet them in the woods for a naked Satanic ritual and then they didn’t even show up.

   Dating in 2022 be like: Find someone who also can’t afford rent alone. It won’t be hard.

   If we removed all laws, the crime rate would be 0%.

   Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”

   If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.

   How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.

   I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”

   If you can’t hide a crime scene, just pretend you’re a victim.

   If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

   You only live once, so make sure you spend 16 hours a day on the internet desperately seeking validation from complete strangers.