Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting ignored by even the old ugly women at work- your life sucks.

   Why do I stare at your b00bs? Have you seen your face?

   Married women who fight over their male colleagues with all other young women! well done! Your life sucks!

   Relationship Status: eating raw cookie dough.

   Ugly old married women who fight over their male colleagues with all other young women! well done! Your life sucks!

   Ugly old women who fight over their male colleagues with all other young women! well done! Your life sucks!

   I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.

   Have you seen the infomercial for the hair removal thingy called, "NO-NO"? No wonder there haven't been any recent Bigfoot sightings!!!

   Since Obama is negotiating with terrorists......... Let's offer Mexico a prisoner swap. We will give them 11.7 million immigrants in exchange for our one Marine.

   I can't be the only one who spits on my banana before eating it...Right?

   Got a massive poke backlog, could you all poke yourselves.....i'm too lazy....Bob

   Just replaced my co-worker's lip balm with a glue stick insert. There's only so many ways to say "STFU!"

   Don't forget to support your local liquor store today!

   Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?

   I wonder if Jesus ever saw the face of someone in his toast.

   We need to keep kids off drugs. It's hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

   What's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?

   RIP, Maya Angelou. You were my favorite Ninja Turtle.

   God take the wheel, your son is busy carrying someone down the beach.

   If Eric Shenseki is no longer a government employee, does this mean he has to sign up for ObamaCare?