Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   These last few years have felt like being tied to a chair and watching a toddler play with a loaded pistol.

   “Just be yourself, say something nice.” Me: Which one? I can’t do both.

   So, the legend goes… that the “M” from MTV, used to stand for music.

   For those wondering if walls work, they do, I went to china, didnt see one Mexican

   Do you think songbirds get annoyed with hummingbirds for not knowing the words?

   June was once Dairy Month, it's now Fairy Month.

   I panic at a lot of other places besides the disco.

   People who get offended when I breastfeed in public need to calm down. What I’m doing is natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   Anything that cost you your peace is too expensive.

   Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.

   Her: I was just swiping on Tinder. Can anyone tell me why I saw my boyfriend? Her: Stop asking what I was doing on Tinder, that’s not the point!

   You can’t leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution.

   Me: Showing up every day with fresh excerpts from exotic lands to entertain the masses.

   Sign at 7 eleven, gas is 7.11, “the prophecy has been fulfilled.”

   2020 We aren’t allowed to go in public. 2022 We can’t afford to go in public.

   The moment your gut says no, it’s a no. You can analyze the details later.

   I identify as a microwave dinner, because I’m ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.

   A patient cured is a customer lost.

   When someone asks for directions: You basically go straight that way for a while until you f*ck all the way off.

   When you unplug all the noisy beeping machines at the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.