Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone just gave me half a peace sign, that’s weird.

   Mexican word of the day: Bodywash. “No bodywash CNN because they’re fake news.”

   A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.

   Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That's why I think of jogging every morning...

   A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

   The only intelligent tactical response to life’s horrors, is to laugh defiantly at it.

   Pretty sure we’re at that point in the game where everyone just rolls the dice in quiet disgust while waiting to be completely wiped out.

   There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

   Silver Alert: Elderly white male, early dementia, yells “C’mon Man!”

   Confucius says ~ He who wear mask alone in car, also wear condom alone in bed.

   Are you a ceiling fan? Because I need someone to blow me while I sleep.

   My tongue itches, can I scratch it on your baby maker?

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   Little boy: Daddy, do trees poop? Dad: Of course, that’s how we get number 2 pencils.

   Started investing in stocks: Chicken, Beef, Vegetable… One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

   Guns don't kill people. Abortionists do.

   A friend asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming play about Julius Caesar. I told him that I would take a stab at it.

   It is wrong and immoral to seek to escape the consequences of one's acts. Mahatma Gandhi

   And a step backward, after making a wrong turn, is a step in the right direction

   The Supreme Court is like regular court, except it comes with sour cream and tomatoes.