Funny Status Messages

   Accidentally called out my dentist's name during my colonoscopy.

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life..

   The best password cracking software is a pissed off ex.

   I just saw a guy with a "Support Dyslexia" bumper sticker on the front of his car.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood..

   Mansplaining is a correctile dysfunction.

   Johnny Depp gets 15 million dollars for being with a nut job. And all these years I've been doing it for free!

   Caller ID isn’t enough for me. I need to know why you’re calling.

   If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Heads up guys, there are some real weirdos in this group. Someone messaged me to meet them in the woods for a naked Satanic ritual and then they didn’t even show up.

   Dating in 2022 be like: Find someone who also can’t afford rent alone. It won’t be hard.

   If we removed all laws, the crime rate would be 0%.

   Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”

   If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.

   How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.

   I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”

   If you can’t hide a crime scene, just pretend you’re a victim.

   If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

   You only live once, so make sure you spend 16 hours a day on the internet desperately seeking validation from complete strangers.

   IQ Test: To see results, enter your credit card number.