Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   U don git da bug if you already da illest, knowahimsayin

   like a squirrel, tired from busting nuts all day.

   Just because they pull up next to you doesn’t mean they want to race. But better safe than be a loser.

   When people tell me “you’re gonna regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon, because I’m a problem solver.

   I’m not challenging your authority; I’m denying it completely.

   You’d be surprised how quickly employees will assist you after you try to start a chainsaw.

   I just failed a captcha test 3 times in a row. I can’t believe this is how I’m finding out that I’m a robot.

   The best weight you’ll ever lose is the weight of other people’s opinions.

   Ever since it’s been brought to my attention that you can say Covid 19 to the tune of, Come on Eileen, I’ve been unable to read it any other way.

   My new dentist moonlights as a proctologist. He gives out toothbrushes called Anal-B.

   Half of the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

   Laying in bed at 3am and thinking that you should’ve said something different in that argument that you had in 2011.

   Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.

   The death toll rises: A man dies of a heart attack a year and a half after eating a corndog at the Jan. 6th riots.

   there anything I can destroy or eat in here? No? Well, you’re lucky to have me. ~ The Cat

   Running a country is like riding a bike. ~ Joe Biden

   Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.

   I’d like to thank my middle finger, for all those times sticking up for me when I needed it the most.

   You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.

   Everyone agrees, when you censor the ones who don’t.